An Ideal Joint Family – Myth or Reality?

I am regular viewer of a serial in Starplus – ‘Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai’. It’s a typical family drama which shows family tie-up in strong shades – ‘Overbearing and a typical Melodrama’. Though I am not at all a tele serial addict, but still I watch this daily soap as I like their portrayal of a joint family. Loving and caring mother in law, protective – father in law, much romantic husband, guidance and wisdom of doting grandmothers – I am in awe of such bonds, seems so perfect. It showcases an ideal scenario of a joint family, where daughter in law is respected as she is, loved cared without boundaries or inhibitions.

The serial made me believe in the concept of joint families where love and care flows endlessly.

But do such ideal families exist in real?

A month back I met my college friend –Indu. She has a reserved, introvert kind of personality. During our meeting I discovered she was quite worried and had some anxieties.

Here’s her tale –

Indu is married for past more than 3 years in a joint family. She has a very loving and warm – hearted husband. He understands her likes and dislikes. Her problem is with ‘the mother in law’.

Her mother in law is overpowering, domineering and much egoistic. She would irritate Indu all the time over petty issues.

‘She would insult all time as sweets gifted by Indu’s family on engagement ceremony got less.’

‘She completely dislike Indu’s way of dressing up’. ‘She would ridicule if Indu wears suit instead of sari for a family dinner.’

‘She would get annoyed and starts her emotional drama if any of Indu’s family side invites Indu and her husband for get together’.

‘She would ridicule if Indu would want to eat oats instead of Aloo Parantha or Puri’.

‘She would ask Indu to stop eating eggs as it will make her impure. According to her MIL those who eat eggs are not spiritual’.

‘She would humiliate Indu as her earnings are much less than expected’. She would embarrass if she purchased anything expensive’.

‘Would curse and abuse her for not having a child yet.’

‘For everything she would compare Indu with her elder daughter in law’.

And in all this and more THE MIL would always drag Indu’s parents that they have given her wrong values. A question put up on their upbringing.

The list is actually endless………

And now Indu and her husband have decided to move on and live separately so that relationship does not get bitter.

Sometimes space is equally important to retain peace.

Indu is adamant to live separately now as she thinks living together will be destructive for mental peace and relationship. Even moving on is not easy as it will bring in unpleasant and nasty comments her way. This makes her worried and anxious. She will have to face absurd glares from relatives and people alike.

I completely empathize and support her decision. She should not compromise on her self-respect. Also there is no point in doing the fault finding task, if two sides are not compatible and no understanding can be reached in spite of living together for more than three years, it’s better to separate and try reconciling latter on. 

Living in frustration and killing your dreams every day is not recommended at all.

This is my advice for Indu.

What are your thoughts folks?

What are your suggestions or advice for Indu?


(Image source - Here)

Abode of values and love

Doing house hold chores are also considered as matter of pride and responsibility by many women and one such example is my Massi (maternal aunt). Even in illness she is not willing to let her husband or son share some load off her shoulder. Even if they are willing to support. This is the biggest mental block and I have seen this in many females around me. For them home chores are there part of life and it’s degrading of them if they let men do any of kitchen, laundry or housekeeping job.

I visited my Massi’s home when she was seriously sick last year. I stayed with her for a week to help her recuperate. The first day I was shocked to see her doing laundry early morning in spite of being so weak and feeble. Women will remain the weaker section until they themselves lift the veil of inequality. I had a real tough time making her understand that doing household chores is not only woman’s responsibility. Though she didn’t fully agreed to accept this change just negotiated that will rest only till sickness last. So is the rigid temperament and perspective of our society.

We have to change this. It will not be easy, it’s going to be a path full of opposition but it is not impossible. Gradually and together we will bring in the change. Start with your own homes. Make your spouse, father and brother understand this thing. Do not sound too revolutionary or a dictator, with love and understanding make them know that laundry or any household service is not the sole responsibility of female member of family. Involve them in daily household work, if week days are not possible make weekends fun doing laundry and cooking together.

Starting teaching kids the values of equality from the beginning. Never make gender specific responsibility. Make them learn laundry, cooking or other essential duties without any prejudice. Teach equality and promote equality at home. Kids should know that no work is small or big. What we teach kids and what they shall observe at home will make their habits. Help them develop a positive mind set. I have seen boys who not even know how to wash clothes using washing machine.  A friend of mine would pile up dirty linen if his mom would go out of station but will not bother to wash them in the washing machine. This is one such pathetic condition.

Remove all mental blocks of gender inequality; make your home an abode of values and love.

“I am joining the Ariel #ShareTheLoad campaign at BlogAdda and blogging about the prejudice related to household chores being passed on to the next generation.”

Teach kids #ShareTheLoad

Passing on the load to the young female brigade of the family is a very common thing, be it laundry, cooking, cleaning or any other house hold service. This is an age old tradition. And to break this so called custom enormous unity and will power is required.

Females have to take care of all household duties even when they return home from an equally grueling day at office. No doubt irrespective of your gender one must learn basic duties like laundry, cooking essentials and simple housekeeping task which may include mopping or dusting. Women have to learn it sometimes willingly and sometimes forced to do so and men learn it out of hobby or due to circumstantial causes.

Out of sheer luck I have never witnessed such prejudice in both my family be it my mother’s home or my home after marriage. My Father has been a strong support of my mother when it comes to doing daily home chores. He is a true example of share the load. As a kid I have seen him doing all the laundry work even before my mother would wake up. Isn’t that awesome? This sharing actually has made their bond stronger day by day. This has set an example for my brother and today can do all his work on his own.

These prejudice related to gender are not inborn. We grow up and develop our thought process with what we see happening around us. Children should be taught to do basic things themselves.

My husband is an equal support when it comes to doing laundry work. I am lucky; he has been very well brought up in this regard.  He would never shun whenever I need his help in any of the household work and most of the time he is equally willing to lend his helping hand. He is very comfortable doing laundry. Though he has a very busy schedule in the week days but weekends are fun doing laundry together.

Traditions and customs are made by us as per our whims and fancy. The gender prejudice needs to be stopped for good of all. And the first step is to talk with your partner about it.  Women too need to change their mind set regarding this. As soon as a woman gets married she has the tendency to take on the entire house hold responsibility on her shoulder, which is wrong. Go slow; communicate with your husband lovingly, if needed teach him, start doing simple home chores together.

Teach your kids the basic living duties; start with small stuff, whatever their gender is. Promote atmosphere or equality at home. Give equal duties to your kids whether male or female. Involvement of a male elder member of family is very essential. Grow up your generation with values and in an atmosphere that has uniform opportunities for both genders.

“I am joining the Ariel #ShareTheLoad campaign at BlogAdda and blogging about the prejudice related to household chores being passed on to the next generation.”

Prayer

'Ganga Arti - Haridwar'

“The pious air and the holy chants

The incense of purity and divine waves

The sound of bells resonating peace

The lighting of diyas and offering of flowers

With faith in heart my soul rejoices

Neither fears around nor shores of sadness

My moment of truth with a belief in Lord

Unfolding my happiness, I surrender to His grace”.

Suicide

Stress, anxiety, nervousness, pressure, tension, worry, strain are the feelings we all face at some point of our lives. Sometimes the pressure to perform or achieve is insurmountable which can overpower our conscious mind causing a great amount of emotional damage.

Life is full of ups and down. There are times when we may feel that our worries will end costing our lives. A month back I read one such shocking news - 16 years old Saira Sirohi national level swimmer committed suicide at her home in Ghaziabad. It was sickening and very disturbing. Though no suicide note had been recovered but she must be going through some extreme pressure that forced her to end life.

Saira had won so many state and national level awards, she even has a record of swimming for 15 hours continuously for 38 kilometers at the age of eight. She was further preparing to represent India in international games. But this beautiful dream crashed and died.  What made her take such an extreme step cannot be answered now it went away with her. But we cannot sit in silence and let our youngsters suffer such painful end.

The only solution my mind can comprehend is “COMMUNICATION” talk about your problems, please don’t shy away and suffer in loneliness. Talk with your parents, friends, teachers, siblings who ever you feel comfortable with. We have many online friends but one true and close offline friend is must to have. Share your thoughts it makes you feel lighter and helps taking out the frustration.

Parents, partners can provide unconditional love and support to their people. Guide, advise, support, help them with right path but without being judgmental and sarcastic. Ultimately everyone has to face their individual struggles and hardship as per their own caliber and it is just moral support we all need to make this journey easy and painless.

There are times when life is hard on me,

There were times when finishing life is the only solution,

But when ever I am overpowered by negative thoughts I remember all the good things life has given me.

And this is what I do to overcome stress

·         Pray, chant His holy name,

·         Repeated self counseling,

·         Talk with my close people on finding ways to resolve disturbing issues,

·         Music is really therapeutic for me.

And as per the old saying “ Life is beautiful”, make wonderful memories and cherish them.

Image source – Here & Here

Other information from - Here